Have a four page paper due tomorrow and I only have to paragraphs done! And now only that, but the two paragraphs are on my school account and I won’t be able to see them until tomorrow… WHAT JOY!!! The one class that can stop me from graduating high school next month. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWESOME!! -_______- Feel the sarcasm guys, feel it.
I have a diary, but I find that I don’t find the time to write in it. I guess this could be another way of getting whatever I have to say down. Honestly the reason why I have a diary is because I love scrolling through the old ones and remembering things I have forgotten about or reading my reactions to things that I feel are insignificant but were a big deal to me at one time. It’s hard for me to just take time and write in my diary because of all these technological distractions. Writing in the computer is a way of continuing to do what I want to do online, but also get these memories down. I don’t think I’d be able to type the same way I write in my journal, there is always a possibility that someone will come across this online and read things that I may not have wanted them to know. And actual diary is where I can be truly free because it’s in my possession and can’t be print screened onto my Facebook or quoted to show how insensitive I am. I can be as bitchy as I want in my diary. I was just thinking about the fact that I could come back to this page in the future if Tumblr still exists and as an adult see my teenage feelings that’s really the only reason why I write personal entry, so hello there future me!
next month on the the 25th at 12:00pm I will be graduating. I am going to City College next year. Honestly I don’t want to go to college. It’s just required I guess, or assumed that you go to college after High School. But I can’t do what I want to do without going to college (I want to be an editor) but if I ever go back to music, which I think I definitely will… I wouldn’t need college for that. The problem is that you can’t rely on Music to make a living, even though that’s what I’m most passionate about. It sucks because I know growing up I was always most passionate about art and music but because of the way art and music are portrayed in my parent’s perspective they have always put me off to them both. When I was a kid I wanted to be an artist, at the time I was even featured in a children’s museum. I told my dad I wanted to be an artist and he told me that artist only become famous after they die. Well… that’s one way to crush your child’s dreams lol. Then as I grow older I began to gain more interest in singing, I went to a music High School and I was passionate about it. Honestly another thing that put me off to become a singer was that once I came to High School I saw how many people can actually and started to think that I’m not that good or I may be good but being able to sing isn’t that special. Once I told my parents that I wanted to be a singer they said that singers are always drug addicts and that money and fame make people do drugs. -_- So I never mentioned that again. But once I decided to be and editor at the beginning of my Junior year I told them that I knew what I was going to do but that I wasn’t going to tell them because they always find something negative to say. So here I am and I still want to be an editor going into college. Honestly I wanted to be a writer but I know that I could write while I work and have a steady job instead of waiting for a book to get attention from a publishing company. I was actually going to talk about missing high school and thinking about graduation but it turned into this. lol I guess I’ll leave the sad “I’m gonna miss high school” story for another time.
(Source: babybluemountains)
My mom cries every holiday. Before my grandfather died, it was for her brother. Now its even worse.
My father bought a surround sound DVD player and turned on music in our house for the first time since his mother died in 2004. She cried, and I felt like I should’ve said something, but i couldn’t think of what to say.
There’s no way i could comfort her in anyway I haven’t lost a parent or a sibling. I feel horrible we she cries and all I can do is hug her and cry as well.
But anyways, the reason why I decided to write about her was because i just saw her dance for the first time since her father died, it was only a couple of seconds but, idk i felt like it was a huge step. She still wears only black and white. She wanted us to do it too in he beginning, but honestly i don’t believe in that stuff.
It’s not that I want her to forget about him, I just want her to be happy finally.
Today my choir performed at the Metro Cafe, and it was so horrible!! Lol omg we she gave us 6 Christmas sons to learn this Tuesday for the performance today and i totally showed. -_- I had a solo though, and i did well. All the solos were pretty awesome, except for one that was iffy. I’m dissapointed. I don’t want to say this but it’s kind of our conductors fault. we could’ve learned these songs in the first to weeks of school and yet she gives them to us 2 days before the performance wtf ugh anywaysn it was ok i guess. We got money so :D
Today I was supposed to go to the community center like I do every Thursday to meet with a Reading Buddy, and a college advisior later in the night. But I decided I didn’t want to go, and i was going to head straight home. But I didn’t come home I just chilled with my friends, walking around and shit, talking about whatever teenagers talk about. :)
It was a good day, really. But, it was ruined for me instantly when one of my friends bought a cigarette. I know it’s legal and shit but still… idk. I think that’s one thing that I’ll never get over. Honestly my dad smoking has really affected me negatively. I constantly wonder when he gonna drop dead. I assume it will be lung cancer.
And when I think of the future, I say to myself: oh he’d probably be dead by then. I feel like my life could crash at any moment… like he controls it. Yet, he is so addicted there would be no way that he could ever quit it.
I remember once I called 311 and asked for a kit that would help him quit smoking, they wouldn’t send it to me (of course unless an adult ordered it or something) I was young, maybe in my freshmen or sophomore year of high school. Anyways, he has been smoking since he was 12 years old. Do I think he could ever quit? No.
It just makes me feel like i have no control in my life when he is the one who is basically speeding up the process. He’s only 46 and he looks so much older. I wish he could be able to see things from everyone’s perspective. He has been smoking all my life and in reality it never affected me until I went into middle school and began to learn all about the affects of cigarrettes on the body.
But what could I have done? I still can’t do anything about it. Nothing at all. It makes me feel… useless.
Anyways, seeing my friend smoking a cigarette made me so fucking upset. I really just wanted to take it out of her hand and idk crush it, launch it somewhere. Idk i wish I could make a difference in these peoples lives, but I know that no matter what teenagers will be teenagers and everyone will do what they want.
I just wish they would think twice, three, four times over.
(Source: nosidewalkindominicanrepublic)
After we recorded the soundtrack for “Holding the Torch for Liberty” I’ve been thinking about studying music. For about two years, most likely my freshmen and sophomore year I had my mind set on music. Then I began to look at my life in a more practical manner. First of all, it seems people who are overweight pretty much can’t get anywhere in the music business. Secondly, I felt as though music wasn’t a stable way to make a living.
Then, after I recorded at avatar… It’s like my world has altered. I still want to do English, but i want to do music also. I am so confused. I really need to take Spanish in order to improve my speaking skills and not make an ass of myself in professional situations, but I also want to major in music. My plan this year was to double major English/Spanish but now i don’t even know. Fucking FUCK.
(Source: nosidewalkindominicanrepublic)
I recorded in a professional studio for the first time ever today. I thought I was going to be peeing my pants nervous, but it was pretty… normal. I don’t know, it felt like I’d been doing it for years, like the process was familiar, like i belonged. I remember on my ride back home, when I finally made it to the BX22 bus, I wrote on my Facebook: back to reality. And then i thought to myself, reality? I felt like I should have no other reality than that one I had in the studio.
Anyways, a group of student from my school and I recorded a soundtrack for a play. After the completion of the CD, I assume the CD would be sold to schools around the country, or maybe the world so that they could perform the play on their own stage. The play is ‘Holding the Torch for Liberty’ and it’s about a group of women who go out on a mission for women’s voting right’s.
Though I felt really annoyed by the underclassmen who were with me. I feel like it was pretty fun. Honestly, I drank so much tea that I spent most of the time I had out of the studio, in the bathroom. Last Friday was my choir’s first concert of the year. Once we were done singing I should’ve gone home but I stayed and cheered my friend on. By yelling at the very top of my lungs that I want to marry him. -_- I was pretty darn close to losing my voice. So I was freaking out last night and this morning, I even slept with a scarf.
But anyways, I didn’t lose my voice, and I sang pretty well. The building’s door at Avatar studios was pretty deceitful. We were supposed to get there at 10:30am but my mother and I were driven by my oldest brother and made it there at 9:50AM. In my defense I had never driven through Manhattan unless i was coming from the airport, and I’m normally to tired to notice.
I really wasn’t convinced by the door and I didn’t think they were gonna open the door for us. My mom edge me into ringing the doorbell and i think they were watching us because the door opened like almost before I rung the bell. We stood at the stairs until I said… let’s go upstairs. (in Spanish of course) The guy upstairs greeted us and told us to take a seat, that’s when I saw all the albums all over the place, honestly i didn’t know many of them. But i knew like 15 of them Maroon 5, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Kings of Leon, etc.
We waited until everyone started showing up, by eleven we were all there and warming up. I don’t know when the CD will be completed but we were promised a copy and that is enough for me. :D
(Source: nosidewalkindominicanrepublic)
I have a serious problem. How am i supposed to do well in college, where teachers don’t give you extra time because your having a “stressful” week. I don’t know man, I’ve had basically a month to write these articles for the school’s newspaper, and yet i leave them for the last minute like always. Even right now, instead of writing the articles I am here…. typing about having to write the articles. -_-
(Source: nosidewalkindominicanrepublic)
I will never hear him laugh again
Can’t remember the last time I saw him smile
He will never call my name again
I will never look into his eyes
No matter how many times I repeat
“He’s gone and never coming back…”
I can’t believe myself,
I can’t believe my own thoughts
No on could ever understand
I did the unthinkable
I avoided him during his last days
He always asked for me, wanted to talk
But somehow I was always busy
How could I have been busy?
I won’t ever forgive myself,
I never could.
Then, after he left,
I couldn’t pay my respects
What would he have thought of me?
No wanting to speak to him when he lived
Weak, not being able to go and see him when he died
Was he looking down in shame?
Did he actually understand?
Was he looking down at all?
Would he accept that I avoiding him because it hurt me?
His voice would have just been a reminder that he was almost gone.
That I realized long before that his days were numbered
That medicine could never cure a man that stood so tall, with dignity
That chemo only made him worse
And his depression killed him
Am I the only one who can’t accept it?
That his house will never be the same again
That Dominican Republic is forever changed
And that he’s gone and never coming back
I still don’t believe what I writing, what I’m reading.
And I sit here trying to accept the unacceptable
#acceptance #death #cancer #love #grandfather #guilt #sadness
(Source: nosidewalkindominicanrepublic)
